“The line broke, the monkey got choked, and they all went to heaven in a little row boat.” ~Shirley Ellis

VW has been trying to get some sort of secret handshake to catch on for a while. Punch Buggy’s not enough, apparently. Remember when I wrote about VW before? No? Well, when my friend bought a new Bug I watched the video that came with the car, and it was all about VW owners waving to each other. It really was an irritating load of crap. Now they want everyone to high five VW Bug owners?

This is a terrible idea for many reasons:

1. Some jackass is going to pull too close to a Bug to get a hand slap and will end up with a side swipe instead. (High five for high insurance premiums for Bug owners!)
2. People who don’t pull up close enough will probably end up air high fiving, which means a bunch of German car owners are going to be giving what looks like a heil Hitler all over town.
3. Sore hands.
4. Stranger germs.

• And high fiving? I don’t like it. I’m generally not feeling the high five with one notable exception. When my friend and I reach the top of the mountain on our hike sometimes we’ll slap hands. But, hey, it’s the top of a mountain. That’s sort-of where a high five works.

Also, it seems like they’re trying to sell this car to men. It’s got a vase inside for a flower! Dream on, VW.

Mike Judge’s predictions in Idiocracy are coming to pass in only 5 years. If you haven’t seen it, and I highly recommend you do, it’s a depressing look at the state of humanity 500 years in the future. The president speaks and dresses like a professional wrestler. Water has been replaced by a sports drink: Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator–it’s got electrolytes. And the top TV show is called “Ow My Balls” and features a man getting hit in the groin. Behold:

I think the advertisers for both SafeAuto and Pepsi have taken this movie as a call to action. They want to be on the cutting edge, I guess:

Pepsi Max really elevates the gag with a revenge fantasy:

If my doctor calls me “scro,” I’m outta here. You can visit me in a country that doesn’t kick balls.

“My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.” ~Stephen Wright

Look at the deliriously happy homeowners, Matt & Monique.* I mean, Matt & Monique! They’re fans of their house! How awesome!

[*I apologize to the actors who were lucky enough to score this gig. I've done crappy writing jobs for money, so I know what it's like. You're thrilled when you think about the paycheck and then oh-so-sad when you are forced to put your name (face) to the finished product. I mean not offense to you. A job's a job. They made you pose like that. I'm sure you're both perfectly nice, normal people just trying to make a living in a really difficult industry.]

ExxonMobil’s new 30-second spot on Hulu is so insane, I can’t express my rage adequately. I’ll try.

1st: To Hulu, what the hell? Remember when you only ran commercials for micro-loans and clean water and other awesome do-gooder organizations? Nice job running a commercial to convince people fracking is a good idea.

2nd: To geologist Erik Oswald. Enjoy your blood money. And I’m sorry about the aneurysm you clearly had immediately before that commercial was shot. (If you read from a script, then send my condolences to the copywriter who had the aneurysm.)

3rd: To the people who take money to allow fracking on their land, you’re probably going to come back in your next life as your worst nightmare. I’m tipping my hand here, but I’m thinking child sex slave traded to a sadist. It’s not just “I drink your milkshake,” but “I poison you with your own tap water that ignites and I ruin you in every imaginable way.” Those lives are on your hands.

4th: To people who believe ExxonMobil when they say natural gas can be released safely using new technology, read a bit about Dimock, PA.

5th: To ExxonMobil, nice try. How dumb do you think we are? Wait, forget it. You know precisely how dumb, predictable, scared, and easy to manipulate we are.

6th: To the FTC, not that you care, but I think it would be awesome if you pulled this commercial for false advertising like the Brits did with Exxon’s liquefied natural gas advert. I mean, come on, Brits in movies are always saying Americans are cool. Let’s be.

Erik Oswald ExxonMobil: "Clean and Burning"

Here’s a shot-for-shot of the Exxon commercial that makes me want to kick shins (*with my comments):

Close up of Erik Oswald, geologist, in a suit on a stool grinning. So happy. He says:

“A lot of times things are right underneath our feet and–

[Cut to sunlight shining through treetops viewed from moving vehicle.]

–all we need to do is change the way we’re thinking about ‘um.”

(*No, that’s never the case. The expression is that something is right in front of our nose or face or “if it was a snake it woulda bit ya.” And you know what’s right in front of our noses? Poisoned water from fracking. But a lot of times things are not right under our feet. That’s hardly ever the case. Also, way to make us think you were going to talk about solar energy, which is actually right in front of our noses.)

Back to Erik.

On screen text:

Erik Oswald ExxonMobil

Geologist

(*Adopted by ExxonMobil?)

He says:

“A couple decades ago we didn’t even realize just how much natural gas was trapped in rocks thousands of feet below us.”

(*So?)

[Scene of flat, barren desert then grass covered mountains viewed from a speeding car with partial splice view of power lines, car wheels, dirt ground.]

“Technology has made it possible to safely unlock this clean and burning natural gas–”

(*No, it hasn’t. That’s the problem with fracking. It’s not safe. Nor has technology made it possible. Corporate greed, corrupt politicians, and unprincipled scientists have made it possible.

Also, clean and burning? I think you meant to say clean burning. But, you’re right about burning … flammable drinking water totally tastes like burning.)

[Scene of a drill rig at night with a bright light just obscuring the American flag. Partial splice of a red machine part, neighborhood street, and top of a building that could be from your town.]

“These deposits can provide us with fuel for 100 years–

(*Nice short-sighted solution. Screw you, offspring.)

[Shot of hometown America - storefronts with red white and blue half-circle decor and a smattering of people living their lives, walking, talking, shopping. Cut to a woman adjusting an Open sign on the door of a business.)

“Providing energy security and economic growth all across this country.”

(*Not to build up what’s to come too much, but please pause a moment. Take a breath.)

Erik says:

“It just takes somebody having the idea and that’s where the discovery comes from.”

(*Disney logic makes geologist happy. All you need to do is dream it and it will come true when you wish upon a star. No. This is absolute meaningless cliche garbage. “It just take a lot of corporate greed and that’s where this crap we’re cramming comes from.” )

The ad ends with this tagline:

ExxonMobil

Taking on the world’s toughest energy challenges

(*They decided not to go with “Creating the world’s toughest public health and environmental problems at your expense.” While easy to prove with some basic deductive reasoning, ultimately it was scrapped as it was just a skosh too long.

Still, I am curious what it pays to change your last name to ExxonMobil.)

“If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.”  ~Pearl S. Buck

After the Superbowl, this VW ad was one of the few standouts. What’s not to love? It’s got a little kid (we love kids being adorable) in a Darth Vader costume (we love Star Wars and we love that our kids love Star Wars) is trying to use The Force (aren’t kids so adorble?). His father remotely turns on his VW to fool his adorable and earnest child into thinking he successfully used The Force (we love tricking our kids) to the child’s surprise and presumable joy. Hey, giving kids a false and momentary feeling of triumph and power over their universe is one of the pleasures of parenthood, right?

Here’s why we should hate this commercial. It is not just targeting parents, it is also targeting children who will ideally try to influence their parents to buy this item. Sounds crazy that anyone would buy a car based on the preference of a child. But it turns out it’s not uncommon.

Look around the US. It’s been padded and painted and retooled for kids. Most homes with children are explosions of molded plastic and primary colors and little furniture reflecting not just a child’s needs and wants but also a parent’s need to protect and nurture and indulge. It’s no wonder that it was only a matter of time before marketers went through kids for other items:

“In the United States alone, expenditures on marketing to children skyrocketed from $2 billion in 1999 to $15 billion in 2005. Kids’ influence on parents’ spending—what marketers call “the nag factor”—now include big ticket items like cars, computers, and vacations.” ~Y. Brody (Z Magazine, Nov 2010)

According to Brody in “Corporate Media in the Playroom,” summarized in the Utne Reader blog, commercials aimed at children, largely unregulated in the US, have been shown to have a causal link to increased anxiety, depression, weight gain, eating disorders, hyper-sexualization of girls, aggression in boys, and psychosomatic complaints in children. Studies have also shown that kids who are “commercially engaged” have worse relationships with their parents.

Children are developmentally vulnerable and marketers take advantage of this. Before they are 7 or 8, kids don’t even know they are being persuaded. As for the parent-child relationship problems, I imagine it’s caused by the relentless power struggle between the consumer without funds attempting to exert control over the consumer with funds. Sounds like an unhappy home.

The good news is the less children are exposed to commercial messages, the better they feel. So, if you’re worried about your kids becoming obese, aggressive, sexualized, anxiety-ridden little demanding monsters, you could always watch TV with your kids and mute the commercials when they come on. Or you could move to Sweden, Greece, Norway, Canada, Australia, and England where they are not beholden to Big Business to make public policy:

“…Sweden has, since 1991, banned all television advertising to children under 12 and has consistently pushed the European Union to adopt similar regulation. Norway and Greece have enacted similar bans while Canada, Australia, and England forbid advertising directed to pre-schoolers.” ~Y. Brody (Z Magazine, Nov 2010)

Or you could always just turn off the TV.